I’m finally on Christmas break!

It was on December 9 when I last blogged, which was around two weeks ago. So it is true – med school does suck the life out of you.

Okay, maybe not life. Just time. Time flies so fast but when I’m studying, it seems as if it would last forever. I have this weird fear that I’m gonna end up stuck with the books for the rest of my life, as if books are the end, not patients, which is why I always feel elated when I get a glimpse of the hospital life. I think I will love my future job. The only thing that sucks about it is that I can’t have the energy and time to do anything else. I always catch up with my best friend from high school simply because she works as a nurse at the hospital. But it will always be months before I see my college friends again, and that can be really tough on me, because it feels unsettling not being with them every day anymore. They are pretty busy with their own lives, most of us have gone to different med schools.

They say med school is just like high school, and I’m starting to think it is partly true. The upperclassmen think they are more superior… simply because they have learned more, they started med earlier, or they’re just generally (but not all!) older. I don’t understand this part, and I have forgotten how catty girls were in my high school back then. It is pretty stupid how they think they are more superior, when the fact that they can’t treat the younger ones with respect defines their maturity level.

I know when I reach the hospital, it will be a lot worse. Residents, consultants, and nurses all look down on medical students. We are practically at the bottom of the food chain. Although most of our professors are caring and feel like family, but the outside of the school (AKA, the hospital) is an entirely different jungle.

I am also thinking of committing to some things for the next year. I want to accomplish something big, bigger than I ever have in my entire life. It could have something to do with my grades, or my writing, or simply about trying something new. I’m also thinking about getting fit once and for all… but I always end up saying that around this time of the year.

The first thing I’m thinking of right now (aside from getting on the tread mill) is to start a blog with my name on it. I’m not gonna post it on my Facebook page or advertise it to the world, but I’m not gonna hide my identity anymore. The blog is just gonna float online, but I will be accountable for what I say, because my name will be plastered on it. I believe it takes great courage to have a face behind a voice online. Hmm.

I love being home

Even though technically, we don’t have a house of our own. We just moved out of the house we were renting and we decided to stay with my grandma after my father died on September 10. There was no way we could afford the rent at that place, plus, the price was not worth the state of the house.

Even so, I love my grandma’s house. It’s where my mom grew up and she has a lot of memories. Every time I’m home (because most days of the week, I spend it at the condo, where I’m five minutes away from school), which is every weekend, we would walk the dog around the village, and there are old houses around, and mom knows almost every single one of those who lived in those houses. They were all parts of her past. Some houses have been renovated, some houses only have their moms living in it because the kids have gone abroad already. Each house has its own rich story to tell. Plus, my dog gets to have a walk, which makes him very happy, except when there are stray dogs stalking us from the back, which really freaks the hell out of my mom.

We also live near one of the busiest food districts in the country. It has recently gained fame for being a street full of restaurants and coffee shops, and I love being near there. A milkshake is just five minutes away. There are different kinds of coffee shops, different restaurants from different countries, too.

So yes, I’m loving it here even though I don’t have my own room anymore (although my brother still gets to have his own, but that’s okay, because he’s practically the only boy in our family, aside from my uncle, who lives with his girlfriend in the other room). The house is pretty old and there kind of are rats everywhere… but it’s home. I haven’t looked forward to coming home on weekends like this in such a long time.

P.S. Although there is one thing I don’t like about being here. My uncle thinks he’s entitled to a phone answer-er: me. And it’s bothering when I’m trying to study. One of those few times I wish I have a room of my own. He’s been avoiding phone calls from the bank and I have been the punching bag of the woman on the other end of the phone call. I used to answer it and say the same thing (that he’s not home) but the woman finally stopped buying it one day and spoke to me in a rather uncivilized way. This is a huge deal considering I’m home only on weekends. My voice is probably too nice and susceptible to abuse. Since then, whenever the phone rang and I’m near it, I usually just plug it off.

Sixteen Candles

I just love Sixteen Candles. I think we’ve all gone through that phase of teen angst and frustration, worrying about the shallowest matters like not being noticed by the guys we like (more like fawn over), or letting negative thoughts about inferiority get to us. It does extra-suck on her part that her parents and grandparents forgot about her birthday. But this film was funny and fluffy at the same time.

I know it’s not really honorable to do what she did – fawn over a guy like that. But I love how it depicted most successful courtships in high school. The bits in between just built up the anticipation for the end. (No spoilers here for those who haven’t watched it). It just also sucks that it doesn’t go this way for all of us… which is why there’s a movie like this in the first place.

November 13, 2014

It’s pimple season. Why? Because it’s chocolate season. And why? Because it’s depression season. I don’t think anyone in med school feels really adequate, except for those on top. I’m sure some of them are still having doubts, because they say if you’re the best among the rest, maybe you need to be someplace else. I’m pretty normal, which means I feel inadequate 99 % of the time and it’s not good. It’s making me run to the nearest grocery store to splurge on Kinder Bueno, which I just tasted for the first time. I didn’t know it was this good. It’s the perfect combination of chocolate, milk and hazelnut, which I all love. And it doesn’t have nuts, which I also happen to not like most of the time.

I got called randomly in class today to answer a question on monoclonal antibodies, and since I was floating somewhere else, I asked the doctor what his question was TWICE. TWICE, did you hear that? I wish to never bump into him ever again unless I have a face transplant.

I do miss writing. I miss writing chick lit even though my twenty-one-year-old self would never even give my fourteen-year-old’s work the light of day. I still like chick lit, but I’ve been into science fiction lately. Not too much into the meta-physical, physics-philosophy type, but more on biology and diversity. It’s beautiful. As they say, the possibilities are endless. I just miss putting my thoughts out there and receiving feedback and just… talking to people without getting my face and my real life involved. I might happen to like the virtual life better.

That’s not good, because that’s the case with my brother, and he happens to be clinically depressed. He says his worst nightmares have come true, what with dad getting cancer, dad dying from cancer after three years, the whole thing screwing us financially to the point that we have to move back in to my grandma’s (my mom’s mom) house. My brother doesn’t like this at all because my grandma’s house is old and dusty, but I like my grandma, she’s cool. Although I do get where my brother’s coming from. We’re back to where we came from. We used to live in a nice, huge yellow house in an affluent part of the city. I used to have my own bathroom, my own shower with my own heater. We used to have at least three cars. I used to drive my own. We used to have two maids and a driver. Now we don’t even have a house.

But that was when dad was involved in corruption, and drinking, and being involved with people are opportunistic parasites. I guess I should convince myself it all turned out for the good, especially if I will live up to what I preach: that heaven and God exist, that these things will all fade, that I should trust Him and still believe He has a purpose for my life.

To be honest, I’m finding it hard to pray lately, rather, ask for things. I’ve been so used to disasters, I don’t even know how to hope anymore. I feel like everything or everyone my way will turn me down because of our disasters. I feel like it has eaten away a huge chunk of me, and that it’ll take a miracle to get me pieced back together. To sum it all up: I feel very much like crap.

Which is not a good feeling to have when you’re in med school, because it will lead you think that no amount of studying will give you good enough grades. You’re so used to life turning you down, you think the future will also turn you down.

God, please give me hope. Help me see that there is still good in life. That the bad won’t ever disappear, but that doesn’t mean the good doesn’t exist.

Speaking of good, we med students did something spontaneous last night. It was actually the most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done in my whole life (if you haven’t figured it out, I do live up to that good girl image I have). We snuck out at ten in the evening to watch Interstellar. It was a good movie, if you’re into physics, philosophy and headaches. I initially thought it doesn’t involve religion, that it was almost homocentric. [SPOILERS ALERT] Especially since there was no definition of what they mentioned as ‘they.’ And that I thought ‘they’ was themselves, the humans. AKA: Cooper and the robot. It was them all along and they don’t need an outside force. But I read an article which says otherwise, and it makes pretty good sense. What do you think? I don’t have much thought about this. I enjoy issues about morality more. Remember when I reviewed Dorian Gray? Yup. I absolutely don’t know.

I know my med school journal (and my med life, if it happens to be with me the rest of my life) will not make me go through it unscathed, but I wish I could see the point in all this, and be reminded of it every day. I’m sure it will be enough to inspire me.

November 10, 2014

I’m starting to get the hang of working again. How could I know? We just moved houses and it’s exhausting. It occupied my whole weekend, which I thought I could use to catch up with my studying. I’m beat, but the first thing I did when I finally had a bit of free time was to get to work.

We used to have our own house but we sold it last year. Since then, we’ve been living in a townhouse close to our old house. Our financial situation has definitely degraded since dad’s cancer and death. Mum’s having a bit of a crisis with having to go back to live with her mom. I’m comforting her with the fact that it’s not at all her fault. My dad made her stop working when they got married which was chauvinist of him, but past is past. Plus, my grandma’s house is a mess. Old people never throw anything out. Everything’s important to them. I could understand – they have practically a lifetime of memories. What sucks though is that the house is really old. There’s creaking wood everywhere, cockroaches, rats and even worms in the shower. I mind when I see them, but I’m quite happy about moving in with my grandma. My grandma happens to be really cool. She’s my fairy godmother. She practically defended my going to prom when my dad was totally against it. Apparently, dad thought it was equivalent to marrying me off. I had suspicions he did something naughty in his own prom even though he always claimed he never went. Even so, I already know my dad’s quite a bad guy. You know, with the cars with black tint, Ray Bans, guns and cell phones… in the 80’s.

Even so, I miss my dad terribly. Nothing prepared me for his death.

I miss blogging. It keeps me sane. It reminds me I’m actually a living, breathing human. I’ve been working so hard the past few weeks, but I think it’s not enough. I need to work more. I haven’t mastered anything yet, lesson-wise. That’s my problem with learning – I can be familiar with a lot of things, but I don’t really fully know. Do you get what I’m saying? Is anyone actually reading this?

I also regret being a bitch to my roommate even though I am quite pissed off at her for being so irresponsible and untidy. I should’ve told her off in a softer manner. I believe my feelings of being pissed off are justified, but it doesn’t mean I should cultivate them. It’s very un-Christian-like. It doesn’t really help that I had my period that week, too. I hope she stops avoiding me, because I am paranoid about it – I think she is avoiding me. I’m saying it is justified because my two other roommates are also pissed off at her. She really doesn’t know how to live with other people properly. She just needs a bit of help.

I haven’t been doing well in medical school. I failed biochemistry last block and some of my grades are barely passing to low. I never thought I’d be in this situation in school. Med school happens to be severely demanding, and what with my home situation, I don’t think I could focus. My distractions are actually pertinent, which pressures me even more. I don’t think I’ll be able to get that scholarship at the end of the year. All I’m thinking about is that this is a humbling experience. Maybe I actually deserve it. That puts me in my place. It just sucks that my mom’s gonna have to find ways to pay my tuition.

Anyone having a better life? I’d like to think it will all get better.

I am painfully introverted

That’s what I call it. There are some people who can be outgoing on the outside, but are really introverts. They may have a lot of friends, probably because they are attractive in various ways. People may just like being with them, but at the end of the day, they actually enjoy being alone, collecting their thoughts, re-energizing by taking in things which doesn’t involve being with people.

But I am painfully introverted. I can’t muster up the courage to talk to strangers unless I really have to. I have difficulty finding common things between a person and me, so I’m not really good with conversations. I am interested in people, and I like asking questions about them, getting to know them, but you do get the vibes when they themselves don’t want to talk to you, because they give you one- or two-word answers and the conversation’s over.

So, I don’t really try anymore. I absolutely don’t know what’s wrong with me. The only time I seem outgoing is when I’m drunk, and that’s not really sustainable… or desirable. I do love being alone, but I get the feeling that I shouldn’t choose it so much. There’s so much beauty out there. And I probably haven’t met the right people yet whenever I get deported to somewhere new.

I do love my college friends. They’re like family. I am myself with them. But all of them go to different med schools or have jobs right now, and we don’t see each other as often as we used to. I like the people I’m with in medical school, too, but sometimes, they can be a bit rowdy and loud, which really exhausts me! I don’t like it when too many people talk or even just whisper at the same time and there’s a buzz in the room. It literally makes me fall asleep. And these people I’m with love shouting and mock-fighting each other, even though they insist it is their way of showing affection. Plus, some of them love dirty jokes, which I’m really awkward with. It’s gross. They’re nice, though, and warm… when I’m alone with one of them. But as a group, it can be a bit exhausting for me.

I do wish most of the time that interacting with people won’t be a pain anymore. I do want to, it’s just that there seems to be a shyness barrier most of the time. I want to know how to deal with people who are different from me. It’s a skill I have yet to learn.

There they are again

The doubts. If I will actually go on with med school or not. But I made a deal with myself that if I don’t get a scholarship for next year, I’m gonna stop pursuing it and start working. I can’t afford to leech on my mom anymore, literally, especially since she doesn’t have a job yet, we have no source of income, and we’re left with debts from dad’s… well, dad’s cancer and passing. There are so many unfinished tasks. I did get some parts in my horrible eulogy about him right, but I don’t think I’m holding it against him, especially since I believe he’s already up there, at peace.

I’m just having a hard time dealing with how we should, well, deal with this. I absolutely don’t know where I will pluck that huge sum of money.

I do believe God will provide. He always has. So I don’t really know why I’m worrying right now. These days do come.