My WordPress is the outlet of things I will never let out into the real world. Or at least, my mouth. I was trying to write last night after such a long time, and then afterwards, I got really frustrated, I cried myself to sleep, because I absolutely can’t get anything out. Turns out hatred thwarts creativity. I realized I last got inspired before all this crap went down. Before it all got really sour. That was, before our house got sold. Somehow, that marked the epitome of the whole disaster for me. I guess that’s because it’s a concrete, solid thing. A solid proof of what really happened. Everyone around me saw how I fell. I don’t think anyone really made an effort to catch me, and I don’t blame them, because I didn’t make an effort to get to know them either. It just sucks that at times like this, no one’s really gonna stand by you, no one’s gonna be easily accessible to text, to tell that you’re feeling like crap and you wanna cry. Nope. They’re all so busy being rich and having fun and going out. Every day is a new adventure for them. For me, every day is another reminder that my life is crap. If someone is gonna stand by you, it’s because he wants something from you.

Hatred, it’s a powerful thing. I’m only realizing that now. My life has been guided by hatred for the past two to three years. Longer, I assume, except nothing’s triggering that tiger beneath me. Now that life is its trigger, it’s attacking me so fast, I can’t even get anything done.

Social events are one of the worst things in life for me. Cockroaches also top that list – I literally stiffen whenever I see them. But social events, they’re as scary as being in front of a crowd. Even going to the dentist is better than social events, because I take care of my teeth and my dentist is my aunt, who’s really, really cool.

But social events? Is there any way I could wipe those off the face of the earth?

At the moment, my parents are arguing downstairs, and if I didn’t have my soundproof headphones on, I’d still be hearing them. This is actually quite a good defensive move. I’m kinda sick of my dad yelling at my mom every time she gives him his meds. He talks to her as if she’s plotting to have him killed, something like that. As if she enjoys seeing him suffer. As if everything she does is for the opposite of his well-being. As if he did not bring it all on himself anyway.

My dad used to be a drunkard, okay, even though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, all the more himself. And that’s why he has esophageal cancer now. And now, the whole family is suffering because of him, and he doesn’t even see that because he’s too blinded by pride and selfishness.

How the effing hell am I supposed to deal with that?

Are you gonna be mad at people just because they have lives and you don’t?

Ahh, yes, I’m talking to myself. I should really learn to draw the line between cynicism and jealousy, because most of the time I claim it’s the former, when in fact, it’s the latter.

In my defense, it is quite harder for me to, for lack of better words, get a life, due to reasons I’m not gonna enumerate for the fear of it making me miserable again. But if you’re really curious, I’ve been ranting about it in this blog my whole life, so yes, it’s a mixture of everything.

It’s gonna stop sucking someday. It has to.

Reflections on The Passion of the Christ

I haven’t watched this movie recently, but today, I decided to, because it’s Good Friday, and it turns out it’s just what I need for now to reflect on things.

“Shelter me, O Lord. I trust in You. In You I take refuge,” is something I should remember every time sin clouds over me, because every time I choose sin over His love and what He has done, I take part in his crucifixion.

“No man can carry this burden alone,” said the devil. But Jesus is not an ordinary man. Whenever we resist temptation though, we are men burdened by it. But the thing is, we have God, we have the Holy Spirit, to give us the strength to say no to this. So we are not in this burden alone.

“Let Your will be done, not mine.” I personally have a hard time accepting this. Mom says, according to Romans, that all things work for good to those who love Him, but it’s hard to accept how dad’s cancer, how our financial meltdown, how all our other crises in life, can work out for good when it all seemingly leads to downfall. I was reminded of something a professor posted on Facebook. “Don’t you worry, don’t you worry, child; see, heaven’s got a plan for you? Heaven’s plan is more important than yours.” This is the part I’m struggling with – to trust, have faith in God’s plan, that even though it does not benefit my earthly form, I am actually part of something bigger, and eternal, but only if I will let him work through me, by letting His will be done, to be humble enough to submit to His will. Yup, definitely have to work on that.

It’s amazing how God can be everywhere – even in television. Parents think technology has exerted a more negative influence than positive on our generation, but it has actually helped me strengthen my spirituality. Visual representations can help us reflect on how it can be applied into our own lives, can effectively remind us of things we have managed to forget. Remember how Jesus just stepped on the snake without hesitation? I wish I can do that whenever temptations loom around.

Our God is a god who was beaten and crucified to death. Our God is a god for the sinners. He is truly an amazing God.

Lesson learned: never eat microwave popcorn in your room. They’re the best rat attractants. It happened to me twice already, and I figured it’s because the smell lingers.

Damn. I had a chance to kill that small, black rat a few weeks ago but I literally pitied it because I know it can feel pain. We figured there’s not a lot of them here. In fact, it’s only one and he just manages to roam around the house. He hasn’t grown and he’s still small. He hasn’t brought his friends here either because he’s the same size and lives in the same area of the house and does the same things.

Yes, I feel sorry for living things which can feel pain. Plus, I find anything furry cute. If only I could find a way to sterilize that rat and if only he didn’t come from sewers or canals and doesn’t carry diseases or pathogens… I’d keep him.

Cynicism is poisonous. Try appreciating. It might look nicer on you.

Actually, it’s me. I’m cynical, about everything. And I think it stems from jealousy and envy, which are even more dangerous. At least some cynical people are really cynical. But some people won’t be cynical if they have the object they’re being cynical about. Like me.

Ahh, I’m screwed. Thank goodness I have a chance at a fresh start.