That’s what I call it. There are some people who can be outgoing on the outside, but are really introverts. They may have a lot of friends, probably because they are attractive in various ways. People may just like being with them, but at the end of the day, they actually enjoy being alone, collecting their thoughts, re-energizing by taking in things which doesn’t involve being with people.
But I am painfully introverted. I can’t muster up the courage to talk to strangers unless I really have to. I have difficulty finding common things between a person and me, so I’m not really good with conversations. I am interested in people, and I like asking questions about them, getting to know them, but you do get the vibes when they themselves don’t want to talk to you, because they give you one- or two-word answers and the conversation’s over.
So, I don’t really try anymore. I absolutely don’t know what’s wrong with me. The only time I seem outgoing is when I’m drunk, and that’s not really sustainable… or desirable. I do love being alone, but I get the feeling that I shouldn’t choose it so much. There’s so much beauty out there. And I probably haven’t met the right people yet whenever I get deported to somewhere new.
I do love my college friends. They’re like family. I am myself with them. But all of them go to different med schools or have jobs right now, and we don’t see each other as often as we used to. I like the people I’m with in medical school, too, but sometimes, they can be a bit rowdy and loud, which really exhausts me! I don’t like it when too many people talk or even just whisper at the same time and there’s a buzz in the room. It literally makes me fall asleep. And these people I’m with love shouting and mock-fighting each other, even though they insist it is their way of showing affection. Plus, some of them love dirty jokes, which I’m really awkward with. It’s gross. They’re nice, though, and warm… when I’m alone with one of them. But as a group, it can be a bit exhausting for me.
I do wish most of the time that interacting with people won’t be a pain anymore. I do want to, it’s just that there seems to be a shyness barrier most of the time. I want to know how to deal with people who are different from me. It’s a skill I have yet to learn.