When the guy you kinda like says, “I missed you!” after a friendly kiss on the cheek, what exactly do you say? Certainly not, “Hahaha… you lost weight, didn’t you?” It was true, though, he lost quite a bit of weight since the last few weeks I saw him. Must be stressed or tired from work, but that’s not the point. WHYYYYYYY. WHYYYYYYYY MUST I BE SUCH AN IDIOT? But then again, what was I supposed to do? There were adults around. His parents were around. The high school kids who were teasing us were around.
I just needed a meme to go with it. It would be better for him to think I’m an idiot, especially when it comes to these matters. I don’t think I’m a bitch, but my goodness, I might actually appear as one, considering I’ve always been swatting away his advances like hitting tennis balls, and perfectly at that. I don’t even play tennis.
This. Is. A. Pretty. Huge. Deal. Considering the guys I liked never seemed to look at me before. I dunno what made it all change so suddenly. There was a guy in college I was crushing on and thanks to my best friend, I think he had more than a clue about it. He started gloating about his very presence (I know, I’m judgmental, but you get me) and telling me about the girls he like and had dated and how awesome they are (basically, the girls were rich, pretty and had powerful surnames). I dunno where he was coming from, considering we don’t talk about matters of the “heart.” He just brings it up and it’s out of context. It made me feel like crap. I guess I was trained to not think about any potential with the guys I’m interested in, so it’s weird that the two guys I’m looking at right now seem to be showing a bit of interest.
If you must know, I dreamt about my crush from med school just last week. I was running errands for a party and we just met up in the middle of nowhere. I dunno what we were in the dream but we were just holding hands as we were walking. When I woke up, I didn’t even wish it was real because I already knew what it was like to hold hands with him in real life. -_- Sorry, that emoticon was necessary.
It’s weird to be thinking about two guys right now but I don’t think it’s also healthy to devote all my heart to one. Besides, I swore to devote my heart to the Lord. I even pray for things like these – I’m praying for my future family as early as now. When I think about a guy, I know it may sound weird, but I also think about what it would be like to have a future with them. We both talk about God, we all go to the same church (kinda awkward thinking about it). I have met med school guy’s mom (and we have talked about a lot of things especially his family and how his dad left them). The other guy’s parents (and grandma) treat me like their own kid. I kind of believe my friend who told me it was my fault I wasn’t progressing when it comes to these matters. My mom told me that when I talk to them, I shut down any meaning it might have. No one knows I think about it a lot after it has happened and don’t do anything about it while it is happening. Ugh.