Hurting is a way of life. For some reason, life will have more horrible moments than excessively good ones. I usually have an easier time remembering the traumatizing events in my life than those which have me beyond happy. I don’t think I was even elated when I graduated from college. It seemed surreal and time was flying so fast, I didn’t have time to think. It was such a busy period. I guess the last time I was happy beyond belief was when they surprised me for my eighteenth birthday, which was almost four years ago… before dad’s cancer happened. Ironically, the next day was when they told me dad had cancer. I haven’t had any day like my birthday celebration ever since.
I’ve just been coming to some realizations lately, which I’ve been ignoring and denying for the past few weeks or months. I’m quite afraid I forgot what it was like to feel. I think I’ve unconsciously built a wall around my heart, but not my head. My head’s still free to think whatever it wants, but the worst it could do is make me feel like crap for a few hours, make me feel tired from feeling like crap, make me fall asleep from feeling tired… and wake up anew. Oh, and it makes me run to God, who is my ultimate source of strength.
So maybe, my mind is aligned most of the time, which also aligns my heart. And that doesn’t allow much room for emotion, which makes me believe I’m not so good with feeling anymore. I guess, since my heart’s been broken severely recently (by my dad’s death), I just flick away the tiny, pesky hurts life has been throwing me. I guess it’s a good thing.
I honestly felt like crap today. To cut the story short, my brother’s the rebellious, depressed one who hasn’t been going out of his room. He’s not going to a normal college (seriously, what kind of school does not hold classes?), he’s been drinking and smoking, he’s just basically been a parasite. Yesterday, I was led to think he hated me, because he asked me how much longer I had to stay at home, because I was hogging precious internet bandwidth. Whenever he does something which exceeds expectations, everyone around us acts as if he’s the greatest. Worse, to lift him up, they will bring me down, and they expect me to be okay with it, because I’m the normal, stronger one. As if I don’t get hurt at all.
Of course, I felt crappy. I was led to think people who are kinder generally don’t get anywhere in life. You don’t get anywhere unless you step on people. I’ve been working my butt off, helping in any way I can. I’m a med student, but I keep finding summer jobs. I’m the one who runs errands, and I do all types of housework (except cooking, I can’t seem to cook properly). Heck, I’m actually a boy around here. I drive them around, and I change the five gallons of water from the dispenser. You wouldn’t know how it would look like, but it would be a small-framed, five-foot-three girl carrying five gallons of water. I’m saying all these to justify myself, because I did feel very much like crap for being maltreated as if I were worthless. To be honest, I feel under-appreciated. Plus, mom doesn’t talk to me anymore. She’s very busy these days. When she does talk to me, she doesn’t listen properly, or she’s always on her phone. I keep reminding myself what she is doing is for us anyway, but most of the time, I feel alone. When my brother wants to talk to her, she’s all ears because he rarely talks to people.
I did have a bit of a realization: if you’re going to love, love all the way, and you would never regret it. My brother didn’t even look at me when I said hi to him when I was folding his clothes after I did his laundry, along with my mom’s and mine. When I was done with his, I placed his laundry in front of his room. I was tempted to fold it improperly for a small bit of revenge, but I remember what Jesus said:
Love for Enemies (Matthew 5:43-48) NIV
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
To my surprise, he talked to me at dinner and told me there’s fish in the other room (in other words, he talked to me like a decent person) and asked me what was going on. I felt quite happy. I know some bad things in life have a purpose, even though I won’t find out soon, or I may not even live to find out, but I absolutely love it when the results come immediately. Such small gesture and I felt all right already.