Literally and not. It’s been an exhausting week even though I didn’t want to admit it at first. It’s late Saturday morning and I haven’t started on my studying. It’s exams week next week and if I don’t blog, I might go crazy.
I got sick with colds and cough in the middle of the week and that’s not a really good thing with a bunch of stuff to study for the exams. My head weighed a ton. Thank God I didn’t get headaches from sneezing and coughing and lacking sleep. We had a lot of case analyses or reports, we had to work in a group, and my tolerance for annoying people has plummeted. I’d usually be able to work with them even though they are kind of considered the class outcasts. One is a know-it-all and the other just manages to put people off in the wrong way all the time. They’re friends, they both annoy each other most of the time, and unfortunately, they sit in front of me. The latter spilled her coffee in my bag and it got on my white uniform skirt but I didn’t lash out at all at her. It’s just that some things they did this week irked me quite a bit, so I tried to steer clear of them. Needless to say, I feel guilty feeling and thinking about these things. I know God is not pleased with me right now. I ask for guidance when it comes to dealing with people like these, and because my patience has thinned, I just avoid them as much as I can. The former is my groupmate, and I am just really annoyed when he butts in on everything, even my private conversations with my friends.Why. WHYYY. I likened him to a barnacle on a whale. It was not a personal thing – he really is just like that. The group talks about him behind his back and laughs, and even though I don’t add in to the conversation, I’m guilty of not stopping it and giggling along with them. The most I could do was to not rant about them to my friends, because that’d be backstabbing them, and that would be against Philippians 4:8.
I know, I’m not really proud of myself right now. I haven’t really had a good relationship with my mom, too. She’s been insisting I drink all these herbal things, and though I believe her, I just don’t like the idea of spending a lot on them. We don’t have a lot of money especially after what happened with dad. These herbal things cost thousands of bucks. I know I should trust that God will provide. She’s in networking right now, and though the company is reputable and their products are backed up scientifically, when she talks to me, she sounds as if I’m a client, too. I’m trying to tell myself I should be proud of what she’s doing, but it’s been quite a challenge, especially if you want someone to just talk to you like a normal person.
Plus, the emotional toll of being stuck with things to read the whole week (day and night) is increasing. I would’ve studied last night if not for the fact that I was frustrated at myself – for not having a better brain, for not being able to wake up decently, for having a cold, for being weak. I tried to pray, but I was too sleepy even for that. I did talk to God a bit before sleeping, but this morning, I finally, finally got His message.
So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8 The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. 9 For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.
1 Cor 3: 7-9
I know it could be talking about faith in God, but it applies with many aspects of my life. I can work all I want, but God will see me through ultimately in the end. What I do has its purpose, and I will reap what I sow someday, but only through God’s grace and only because of God’s purpose. I am here for a reason. I’m in med for a reason. I love being here even though it’s exhausting, so I should just remember this when I feel like not going on. God will see me through. God will provide. It’s not my brain, it’s not my abilities. Whatever happens is in God’s hands, and there’s nothing I should do but trust.
I know it’ll get harder. I’ll be more frustrated at myself, and I will have to deal with even more intolerable people. But the message is here – I should never lose touch with God. I don’t want to be alone with myself when dealing with these things. I can’t do it alone. I’ll fall the moment I try to do it alone. As much as I feel like time is running out, as much as I do everything in a rush, I should try to have even just a few minutes a day with God and not forget that He is the reason for everything in my life.