When the guy you kinda like says, “I missed you!” after a friendly kiss on the cheek, what exactly do you say? Certainly not, “Hahaha… you lost weight, didn’t you?” It was true, though, he lost quite a bit of weight since the last few weeks I saw him. Must be stressed or tired from work, but that’s not the point. WHYYYYYYY. WHYYYYYYYY MUST I BE SUCH AN IDIOT? But then again, what was I supposed to do? There were adults around. His parents were around. The high school kids who were teasing us were around.

I just needed a meme to go with it. It would be better for him to think I’m an idiot, especially when it comes to these matters. I don’t think I’m a bitch, but my goodness, I might actually appear as one, considering I’ve always been swatting away his advances like hitting tennis balls, and perfectly at that. I don’t even play tennis.

This. Is. A. Pretty. Huge. Deal. Considering the guys I liked never seemed to look at me before. I dunno what made it all change so suddenly. There was a guy in college I was crushing on and thanks to my best friend, I think he had more than a clue about it. He started gloating about his very presence (I know, I’m judgmental, but you get me) and telling me about the girls he like and had dated and how awesome they are (basically, the girls were rich, pretty and had powerful surnames). I dunno where he was coming from, considering we don’t talk about matters of the “heart.” He just brings it up and it’s out of context. It made me feel like crap. I guess I was trained to not think about any potential with the guys I’m interested in, so it’s weird that the two guys I’m looking at right now seem to be showing a bit of interest.

If you must know, I dreamt about my crush from med school just last week. I was running errands for a party and we just met up in the middle of nowhere. I dunno what we were in the dream but we were just holding hands as we were walking. When I woke up, I didn’t even wish it was real because I already knew what it was like to hold hands with him in real life. -_- Sorry, that emoticon was necessary.

It’s weird to be thinking about two guys right now but I don’t think it’s also healthy to devote all my heart to one. Besides, I swore to devote my heart to the Lord. I even pray for things like these – I’m praying for my future family as early as now. When I think about a guy, I know it may sound weird, but I also think about what it would be like to have a future with them. We both talk about God, we all go to the same church (kinda awkward thinking about it). I have met med school guy’s mom (and we have talked about a lot of things especially his family and how his dad left them). The other guy’s parents (and grandma) treat me like their own kid. I kind of believe my friend who told me it was my fault I wasn’t progressing when it comes to these matters. My mom told me that when I talk to them, I shut down any meaning it might have. No one knows I think about it a lot after it has happened and don’t do anything about it while it is happening. Ugh.

We had our mid-year prayer and fasting. Over all I thought the one we had in January seemed more meaningful, especially since I’ve been questioning God. You know, the usual questions. Some people think it’s healthy to doubt once in a while, but thank goodness I do run to God when I doubt. I just dunno why it takes so much to convince me sometimes.

During one of our prayer meetings, a pastor said something which struck me – if God can give you His only son, He won’t deny you good things. Or something like that. It struck me because sometimes (okay, who are we kidding, most of the time) I have doubts about life; if we were ever gonna get out of this situation, if I will actually be a doctor, if life will be comfortable someday. Maybe it’s just the time of the month or the stagnancy of summer that thoughts like these enter my mind, but a lot of times, I do doubt and what’s bad about it is that I limit God and what He can do to my life. This is what He told me about that.

James 1

But if any of you lack wisdom, you should pray to God, who will give it to you; because God gives generously and graciously to all. But when you pray, you must believe and not doubt at all. Whoever doubts is like a wave in the sea that is driven and blown about by the wind. 7-8 If you are like that, unable to make up your mind and undecided in all you do, you must not think that you will receive anything from the Lord.

During prayer and fasting (I did not fast with food by the way; I just abstained from media/ social media), I was able to read a few blogs and my view of God was also widened. The most memorable things which struck me as relevant was that God is not a genie. Of course, you can always pray to Him, He is always there, you can ask for anything according to His will. But just because you do doesn’t mean He’s gonna answer back every time or He’s gonna answer all your prayers. Sometimes, I admit, I do tend to treat the Bible like an eight-ball, creating my own meaning without fully getting the context. I also remembered from the things I read that we will not always get a clear answer from God when we have to make hard decisions. We can consult Him, we can pray for it, maybe we can even hope for a sign, but if God is that accessible and if we can manipulate Him that easily, then He won’t really be God. It just adds to how unfathomably vast He is and to be honest, it’s testing my faith. But when it comes to faith, there’s no more or less. It’s either you have it or you don’t. I chose to have faith in Him. I know He is faithful.

I’ve also been thinking about second year of med school starting in a few weeks. Until yesterday, I had no means to pay for my tuition. Now, I do. My father’s side of the family is paying for this semester. I’m not worrying about the next anymore. I’m quite excited about it, but also scared. I will have to study harder. It’ll be a shame for me to get bad grades when people who I don’t frequently contact are shelling cash out of their pockets to help me. Plus I’ve been talking to my roommates again and I just remember how inadequate I feel in med school. I know you’re always gonna meet someone who’s all over just much better than you are in everything (in this world’s terms). To be honest, I’m a bit intimidated by one of my roommates. She’s an excellent student, she’s good at a lot of things, and she’s a leader. She’s part of the top of the class and it makes me feel as if all you need to succeed is to be your own boss, which kinda contradicts my faith in God. Even so, I consulted the Bible. It brought me to 2 Timothy 1.

For the Spirit that God has given us does not make us timid; instead, his Spirit fills us with power, love, and self-control.

I’m going to try to stop treating the Bible like an eight-ball but sometimes, some verses you read feel like puzzle pieces to complete your day, as if you and God really were having a conversation. I guess this is why it is important to really spend some time with Him, not because you feel obligated to or because you want to have your message for the day. It helps to have a real relationship with Him. I’m most thankful for that.

Some verses for all the fighting on Facebook right now.

Judging Others

“Do not judge others, so that God will not judge you, for God will judge you in the same way you judge others, and he will apply to you the same rules you apply to others. Why, then, do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? How dare you say to your brother, ‘Please, let me take that speck out of your eye,’ when you have a log in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Poor

I guess I was just waiting for someone to say it to me out loud. She’s not a very important person in my life and I’ve known it all along – we’ve become terribly financially challenged. But no one’s had the guts to tell it to my face, until now. Maybe it’s wrong choice of company. Ironically, we just came home from a religious concert. I was with my aunt and two of her friends from church. When we arrived home, one of her friends scanned the house and saw another car she hadn’t seen before. She asked me whose it was, I told her it was my uncle’s. She proceeded to ask how many were living in the house. I told her, “A lot,” then said, to avoid questions, “we were the ones who moved in with them.”

She told me, “So kayo yung yagit dito?” (“You’re the poor ones here?”) and went on to laugh.

Maybe she meant it as a joke, maybe not. But it has truth in it. I was about to tell my mom about it so I could process how I should feel, but she didn’t seem to think it important and is on Facebook right now.

I felt so horrible about it. I knew it all along, but no one’s ever told me that in my face. I dodged them as they ate dinner. My mom invited them in because there were lots of food left from my grandma’s 80th birthday party, and tonight was the extension for guests who weren’t able to arrive. When they had gone and we were cleaning up, my thoughts started to run wild and I just burst into tears. I ran upstairs and the first thing I thought of was my dad. I had the guts to blame him long after his death. The usual “if he didn’t love alcohol so much, if he gave more importance to his health because he loved us, he’d still be alive” came to me. The usual string of negative thoughts came, but the question, “What would a Christian do?” suddenly popped up. I realized my thoughts were very un-Christian-like. Thank goodness I didn’t let anyone see it.

Bottom-line: life sucks, but we can always do something about it. I still believe God has a will beyond my selfish wishes, but I also believe He is good no matter. I also believe in hard work. I may cry today, but I’ll continue to work. I just flipped my Bible open, remembering what He told me this morning.

May you always be joyful in your union with the Lord. I say it again: rejoice!

Show a gentle attitude toward everyone. The Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart. And God’s peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.

In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Put into practice what you learned and received from me, both from my words and from my actions. And the God who gives us peace will be with you.

12 I know what it is to be in need and what it is to have more than enough. I have learned this secret, so that anywhere, at any time, I am content, whether I am full or hungry, whether I have too much or too little. 13 I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me.

19 And with all his abundant wealth through Christ Jesus, my God will supply all your needs. 20 To our God and Father be the glory forever and ever! Amen.

Our Father in heaven has managed to cheer me up again.

It also doesn’t help that it’s that time of the month. I think I might just need a milkshake.

I found a job

Finally! I found a writing job, two to be exact. I was gonna go with just one at first because I was already accepted and they worked in a really organized way. I tried to back out of the second one, but apparently, I had already been assigned a writing project and backing out was unprofessional and not an option. So I went on with it, thinking it was the last one I would do for him but my project was accepted by the client and he asked me to do another one. I wasn’t really sure of the internet – I didn’t really trust it too much, I was scared of advancing technology, and I didn’t understand how money could be transferred through the WWW – but when I received my first payment, I got ecstatic, so ecstatic, I agreed to write another project, this time about HIV/ AIDS. I’m still gonna go on with my first job, though projects are limited because I’m not knowledgeable with some of the topics, so I guess it’s a good balance to maintain the two. I think I’m gonna continue writing even when med school has started, so I don’t have to ask my mom for allowance anymore. I don’t know.

I don’t like asking my parents for money. I never asked for money even back then, when we were more capable. I did have my allowance and they gave money prizes when my grades were high enough (back then, my grades were actually worthy of that) but high school does not last forever and poverty can strike twice. I say that because I’ve emptied bank accounts twice in my life and I’m only 21. Why. Whyyy.

Either way, I don’t want to be too stressed about this. I like leaving it all up to the Lord, even though at the back of my mind, I still have absolutely no idea how to pay for my tuition for the coming year. My dad’s aunt (who is my grand-aunt) told me she will help me for this year, with the condition that I manage to get a merit scholarship for next year and that I pay her back when I start to earn, or pay back through helping others like how she will help me, but to be honest, I’m scared to ask her. I’m scared to approach my dad’s side for help, because they value “utang na loob” so much. It’s a local phrase for owing someone so much, it will be shameful if you don’t pay back. Plus, they don’t take too well with mom not attending their church, so when they do find out we attend a different church, I’m scared it will be used against us. Maybe I’m just getting ahead of myself. It’s also difficult to contact her because she’s in a retirement home in the US, and it feels weird to call her just because I need help, even though my aunt says that’s okay. I did e-mail my uncle, and he did say he’ll help, too, and I’m really thankful for that, especially since my cousin, his daughter, is still in college in the US, too. And we know how college in the US can be ridiculously expensive.

My mom’s not too keen on talking to my aunt (my dad’s sister) right now, too, because she didn’t go to her mom (my grandma’s) surprise 80th birthday party yesterday. She told us she’d help me with the registration booth, then she texted again to say she might be late… and then she said she wasn’t coming at all. Mom told her to catch up, but she insisted she couldn’t. We know she doesn’t have anything more important to do, but I understand how she feels. I told her it’s a complex I got from dad’s side of the family. I know I have it, too – not showing up in parties or events. Some days, I just feel sooo lazy, or I know I won’t have anyone to talk to when I get there, I end up not going at all. And I do it at the last minute. My mom told me I shouldn’t imitate what I know isn’t good, but sometimes, I still do have anti-social bit in me. I think I’ve grown out of it, though, because I begin to recognize important people in my life, and I try my best to be there for them when they need me. But I’m still not so good with meeting new people. Maybe my aunt was anxious about not having anyone to talk to. My grandma was looking for her after the party and she was quite disappointed, too.

So, yes, that’s pretty awkward. The air around the house is still contagiously exciting. Everyone around here is still on a high after the surprise party. My grandma’s inviting guests again tomorrow and I’m quite excited for that… more because of the food.

I hate speeches, even though I love imparting to people stories, because I also love hearing theirs. I prefer experiences from general, flowery words. But I also hate that I hate speeches, because I get self-conscious a lot. It’s even worse when I don’t prepare, because I don’t have the chance to edit what I said.

Even so, my grandma’s surprise 80th birthday party was a huge success! She only had the littlest bit of an inkling before the party, because trust grandmas to actually read invitations and remember that it was a surprise. The only thing we didn’t accomplish was that we weren’t able to give out the giveaways. That’s a blow on my part, especially since mom told me to remind her to do it, but when the guests started leaving, I thought I could breathe. Apparently not.

My mom and grandma lay awake till four in the morning talking about the party and laughing at instances my mom and I would sneak out of the house to run errands for the party, or thwart any phone calls from grandmas with dementia asking about the party. I fell asleep at 1 AM, I think. I was so tired, but it was all worth it. My grandma deserved it.

Double whammy

It turns out the things in my mouth aren’t just mouth sores. It’s oral thrush. The moment the doctor said it, I thought the adults (because my mom was also there; oh, wait, I’m an adult, too!) thought I was participating in some… unbecoming activity. But apparently, oral thrushes do come once in a while. I googled it and it scared me. I hope it disappears before it becomes worse. Mine doesn’t look like how it does on the internet, but it hurts a damn lot.

Because of that, I can’t eat properly, and because of that, my stomach is starting to ache. Now that’s a double whammy. I hate this. I love eating, even though I’ve just recently taught myself how not to. But there are three different cakes waiting in the fridge, as well as some vodka gummy bears we made from the sleepover.

Speaking of the sleepover, my college friends and I had an overnight bonding before classes started. It was the first day of second year for some of my friends, and to be honest, I envy them. It’s getting pretty boring around here, plus we haven’t paid my tuition yet. That’s one huge storm looming above me. Anyway, I think I got this fungal mouth infection thing from the sleepover, because we practically had desserts for meals. We had three cakes, vodka gummy bears, skillet smores and more carbs such as california maki and teriyaki sushi. I don’t think that’s all. We had a bit of a drinking game but we were too sleepy to go on with it. Talk about adulthood. I’m quite glad my friends don’t like to indulge in alcohol.

Anyway, the alcohol was not enough to disinfect my mouth because I ended up with this infection. It sucks because my grandma’s surprise party is in a few days, and if this thing doesn’t go away, I can’t enjoy the buffet. Hey, that rhymed! But yes. The only thing that doesn’t hurt right now is ice cream. That’s a pretty good realization – most of the things in this world can hurt you, but not ice cream.