In church, we always pray for breakthroughs of different kinds – financial, for relationships, and spiritual. I’m sure there are other kinds but these are at the top of my head. Back then, I always believed holding on to God would bring me the comfort of the worldly kind. Maybe if I believed in God, I’d be successful in what I do, I’d get rich, I’d be happy 100% of the time.
Apparently, that’s not the case, although there are still times I have that tendency. Every day, I talk to God because it’s just been an essential part of me. Even more than that, I like to think it encompasses my whole being. Every time I’m hesitant of something, it’s because I think twice about whether God approves of it. I talk to God every day, saying my usual prayers, but there are notable moments when His word really just strikes. I wondered why – why can’t it be every day that I rejoice in His word? Why is it that some days, His word seems ordinary, because it’s not answering any of my questions?
I realized maybe it’s because if we don’t want anything from God, we won’t really bother listening to what He has to say. We knock on God’s door only when we want something, but when everything’s smooth-sailing, we don’t make that extra effort to know what He wants to say.
I am still plagued by my favorite troubles. There’s this constant fear that I won’t be able to reach my goals. There’s the usual crappy feeling when it comes to people “having more” than I do. A lot of bad thoughts surround me, but the question He has recently answered is if He exists.
I know it’s ridiculous to proclaim to have faith in Him while still having those thoughts at the back of my head. But I’m honest about it to Him, and I do believe in Him. I’m holding on. He answered me (refer to previous post) through Exodus 17. It was my exact question – “Is the Lord among us or not?”
There are a lot of other times I experienced God, most of them chronicled in this blog. This blog is also evidence of my past self and I realized I never want to be like that again. I have faith I won’t turn away from my relationship with God. That’s my breakthrough of the year. This is the year I truly found God. I always believed in Him, but I realized it was always easier to thank Him when life was good. When it became rough (as it did for the past four years), I hid from Him even though I knew all along He had always been there. It was useless, but it was also amazing how He welcomed me with open arms despite everything I’ve hidden inside me. I feel things when I am reminded of His presence, just like relationships we usually have. I cry, my heart leaps, and I smile. I realized nothing on earth will ever match that. But during tough times, I now try my best to turn to Him, say sorry when I don’t, and talk to Him and confess what I really feel. He is enough every single time.