I don’t realize how much I like being alone until I go out with someone I’m not entirely comfortable with. This is why I don’t date. This is why I’m thankful I don’t date or get asked out a lot. I do like to do some things, especially eat, which is what people mostly do on dates, but if I do something I like with someone I’m not comfortable with, the thing I enjoy doing becomes something like biting into pure matcha powder.
It takes me huge amount of time to be comfortable with someone. I surprisingly got comfy with my med school classmates a bit faster than usual because I am with them in the most nerve-wracking situations. Being in med school with them is like watching a horror movie with them. There is a special sort of bond you form with your med school group-mates or duty-mates. I particularly don’t get comfy with boys as easy as I do with girls, but my group-mates have a special place in my heart.
Last night, I went out with a family friend whom I bumped into on the way home, after a 36-hour hospital shift. He could tell I was really sleepy because my eyes were getting heavy. I blamed it on dry eyes, which I did have. He is nice and I’ve always known him as someone like an older brother. But it was weird for us to go out and eat, just the two of us, because I was used to seeing him with our families, and our other family friends, together. I’m usually comfortable with being with a guy alone, if and only if I know he has no fishy intentions. This guy opened up to me about a lot of things, his struggles, why his girlfriend broke up with him, and to be honest, I was not 100% comfortable. Once I find out he does not have any intentions other than friendship, I may actually enjoy hanging out with him. That is, if I don’t come from a 36-hour shift. I enjoyed listening to him, and I feel like I could talk to him about anything, any weird thing.
I told him about something I saw online before, and I find it quite true: introverts don’t really make their own friends. Extroverts just pick them up out of nowhere, in the middle of their alone-ness, and adopt them. My best friend from high school and college are both extroverts. I am seriously wishing he thinks of me just as a friend, because he is quite an awesome person, but not someone I’d like to be with that way.
If you walk into a room, I’m not really the most attractive person you’d find. However, I don’t think I’m butt ugly. When I was rotating in Surgery, the resident who was in charge of us, medical students, told the whole group that he overheard a surgical resident or fellow tell someone I was attractive. I tried to hide my face in my surgical gown, which we had put on because he was teaching us the proper way to put it on at that time. I didn’t know how to react. After that, our group chat was bombarded with messages about why I did not tell them about that, and who the guy was. Even I didn’t know who it was. I still don’t know up to now. He proceeded to tease me in front of the whole group about how I was a girl-next-door type. I didn’t really know what that phrase meant even though I’ve been hearing about it a lot before. I Googled it right after.
Anyway, after yesterday, I realized I was actually happy I didn’t go out a lot and don’t get asked out a lot. My identity as an introvert got more cemented. I was also thankful I’m not attracted to someone. I’m weirdly thankful I don’t have someone who likes me back, too. Simply put, I’m thankful to be alone. I love my alone time so much. I like being in control of my own time, and I hate having to reject when people ask me to go out with them. I’ve actually dodged some people a lot of times. I’m glad I get away with it. I’m glad they just kind of leave me alone. I’m really awkward when it comes to dealing with strangers and groups of people. I have never wanted to pursue Anesthesia or Radiology so much. Aside from the fact that I am really interested in those two fields, they are perfect for my personality.
I realize I need a lot of time for my identity to be rooted in God. Because if I don’t take time and effort for this, I will be a lost person. I’d be making all my decisions for myself, and I’d probably break a lot of potentially good relationships. Maybe others can live without God, but I really need God in my life. I depend on Him so much. I’d really like for this aspect of my life to be aligned with what He wants, so if He doesn’t want it ongoing right now, then I wouldn’t want that for me as well.
I just have to let Him know I would like a future husband and three kids. And a golden retriever, too.