The pseudo-vacation is over

It’s 1.5 hours to September 20. You know what that means? I’m 1.5 hours away from being 10 days away from starting my OB rotations.

Que horror.

I shouldn’t be having this attitude, because even though OB doctors are known to have attitude, they are also known to be great teachers. Most of them love their job, so they’d love teaching. And that’s good for our learning… which is what we came to do.

It’s just… I’m not excited to work for 24 hours straight in a public hospital. And when I say 24 hours straight, I mean, 24 hours straight. You know how doctors are known to be on 36- or even 48-hour shifts? That’s true, but we get to steal naps in between. But for my next rotation, which will last a whole month, 24 hours means 24 hours.

And we will have to deal with emptying urine bags, inserting countless IV lines, assisting with bed pans, assisting in the OR, looking at vaginas, dealing with teen pregnancy in the face, and the most dreaded vital signs monitoring. And it’s 8 months after February. It’s peak season for OB.

I don’t want to acknowledge fear, but to be honest, I’m really nervous about this. I’m nervous about facing the residents. Though some are kind, most are known to have a tough reputation. I’m nervous about facing patients – pregnant. You are holding two lives in your hands. And not just that, we will have patients who will have Hepatitis, even HIV. And with our “experience,” needle pricks are inevitable. Then there are also patients who have their babies aborted, even though abortion is illegal in the country. They will come to the hospital in an unstable state, and we’d be pushed to do CPR. As I’ve heard, pumping and bagging are not a joke. They are not action scenes you see on movies. They are real things which may save lives, but they also break ribs, and, well, very exhausting on our part. Then there are also nurses. Don’t get me started with them, but the things I hear about them from different people are all the same. My best friend from high school is a nurse, and she’s a sweetheart, but these nurses are different. And God, Lord, please, I just hope I don’t retort… even though it would look reasonable to.

I’m not sure about coming home after 24 hours, drenched or smelling like vaginal fluids or amniotic fluid. I just really hope and pray I learn a lot. In fact, I hope to enjoy it. September 20 marks the day that I have to review for OB.

Vacation’s over.

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I have free time

I know, I can’t believe I just said that. But I do. We’re rotating in the community, holding clinics for our less fortunate brothers and sisters, as well as planning activities for health education. That means we don’t have night duties. It means I have a lot of free time on my hands. And when they suspend classes, it means we don’t have clinic, too.

And now that I have free time, I want to write. I’ve read several fiction books already. But I want to write. I miss writing. I miss not wanting to sleep just so I could word out ideas which have been bugging my head all day. But I can’t seem to write when inspiration seems to have been sucked out of me.

Now I just hate having all this free time because I get to think about things. Things like how dad just had his third death anniversary two days ago. Things like how I can’t find my boots (and it’s perfect for rainy season) because of all the mess in the house I have no control over. I’m just pissed off at things I have no control over, and I know I should be using this free time to fill myself with God’s Word instead of convincing myself of the world’s troubles and, subsequently, the world’s lies.

Well, there’s my answer. I know what I should do.

A rant

We, millennials, are supposedly the ones surgically attached to technology. Now, I don’t understand why my mom is more transfixed on her cell phone than I am, to the point that I can’t even make a decent conversation with her. She’d invite me to watch a movie, but she wouldn’t be watching most of the time, and when I’d react to something about the film, she’d pretend to understand what was going on, react the same way I did, and then go back to her cell phone.

I seriously do not understand how this came to be.

If you must know, she works in networking. As much as I hate to admit, yes, networking. You sell supplements and beauty products, and you recruit people to work under you. The products are effective, I admit, but they’re also hella expensive. Her efforts haven’t been fruitful, and it’s been three years since my dad died. So it’s practically been three years since she started. I know I should be more supportive of what she does or what she chose, but I don’t see the potential, especially when we’re in dire need of money, I’m still in medical school and unemployed, and this networking thing is sucking what’s left of our finances. I always believed she could’ve started a small business instead. It’s been three years. I have a feeling it would’ve experienced growth by now. Plus, she has a mentor, who’s been breathing down her neck, and I know she and these other things are stressing her out, because she’s been having palpitations often.

But as I’m writing this, she’s still on her cell phone. She has also been talking to strangers on Facebook, a middle-aged man from Switzerland, and a girl from Australia… or so they say. Sketchy, I know. She says it’s for business, because networking is not bound by geographical limits. But nothing changes the fact that SHE IS TALKING TO STRANGERS OVER THE INTERNET, something she and all the other protective figures in our lives, told us NOT TO DO WHEN WE WERE KIDS. I seriously don’t understand this.

I don’t know what to do. In my perspective, I’d rather be doing something that makes me tired but not stressed. That’s what medicine is for me. In my opinion, she’s really good in cooking, but she says the physical exhaustion may take its toll on her. Right now, she’s stressing about the fact that her efforts are not bearing any fruit, and she always has something like a quota to meet every end of the month. She could practically work in a bank, I wouldn’t see the difference.

I talked to my grandma about this, and it surprised me how I am able to talk more decently to my grandma about anything under the sun, as opposed to my mom. I just think she could use some help balancing things out more. Unfortunately, she doesn’t really listen to anything I say and just keeps voicing out her reasons. I don’t want her to suffer the consequences before it’s too late, but I seriously don’t know what to do right now.

Stephen King’s It (1990)

I just watched it (It? Ha-ha) with my brother. I’m not a huge fan of horror movies, but I was curious about this because I remember watching it with him, too, back when we were kids. Of course, I couldn’t remember most of it, but I did remember the bathroom scenes, and I remember being scared. Bathroom scenes are the worst in horror movies, because my showers for the next two weeks will consist of paranoia and quick shampooing, with minimal to no conditioning. I expected to have my eyes closed all the time, but not anymore some minutes into the film, after I realized it had the feel of horror films of the 80s. They aren’t as visually morbid and terrifying as horror films are now. They used to be bearable.

But this film didn’t just intend to scare, and I guess it’s why I appreciated it. I’m not a Stephen King fan; I don’t read his books. But I appreciated what the film was about. I guess you grow up when you learn to kick your childhood fears in the face, and the things (and people) which held you back as a kid… even if those people are the ones you’d expect to love you most, like your parents. I read that this was a prevailing theme in Stephen King’s books. It’s too late for me to start reading them now, but I appreciated the film… when I expected not to.

Now I have a feeling that even though the 2017 remake is good, it’s gonna scare people like me out of our wits, to the point that I would have just wasted some bucks on the movie because I’d have kept my eyes closed the whole time, and I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the whole point of it anymore. I guess when it comes to horror movies, I’m stuck in the 90s and the years before that.

An ugly blog post

I seriously hope this is just PMS. I’m trying not to feel anything about this, but it’s more like I’m just trying to escape from my feelings.

I’ll be at home for two months, because my rotations for the next two months are just practically a few kilometers away from home. If you don’t know, I’ve been “dorming” in a condo with three other roommates for the past four years. I’m finding it weird to be back home, and though I love being with my family, there are still a few things I can’t stand about being here.

I room with my mom and grandma, and my mom and I share a desk. Unfortunately, mom loves making a mess. She just leaves things everywhere, even on my bed. I, on the other hand, am very used to cleaning up every single time I use my space. I have the neatest desk in our condo. I like being organized. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t have space at this house to store my things where they would most likely not get swallowed up by all the mess.

My grandma loves to leave fruit or vegetable peelings lying around. In this house, if you must know, nothing gets thrown out. Everything has a use. It has resulted to this house turning into a fire hazard. Seriously. A bunch of junk gets to have a room while I get to have my stuff crammed in a bag just so I could keep them all together. When fruit or vegetable peelings get left around, you know what happens, right? Yes, flies flock to them, and they smell. The only thing I haven’t smelled that I should add to my collection is Pseudomonas. Not to mention, since all these things collect dust, I have bad allergic rhinitis at home.

I know my brother doesn’t like me here. I know he’s mad that he has someone to share the internet connection with. He’s been treating me weirdly for the past few days. Trust me, brother, this is also weird for me.

Since we don’t have a separate fridge, I’d have to store my perishables at our fridge. Most of the time, my food will never go untouched.

This is not a good idea, but I know that two months from now, I will not want to leave home. I don’t want to get used to home. Home always meant rest for me, a place where I can sleep after being on duty for 36 hours. It feels a bit weird to be this benign, to have time to even write this complaint blog post, which I know isn’t healthy. Family is family, and home is home, but it feels weird not to be in the hospital for 36 hours straight every other day. I know I should stop complaining, because after these two months, I won’t get anything like this until after May next year.

So I should really just get used to it and make the most out of it.

Shall I always stroke the egos of the seniors?

Apparently, this is a thing in the medical field. Doctors, usually consultants, take offence when vermin like us do not greet them in hallways. My rationale is that I want to remain as invisible as possible. I didn’t think my presence would be so acknowledged that I’d have the privilege of having the requirement to say ‘hi, Doc.’ Cue sarcasm.

I really dunno what to think about this. I think I expected this. It has already been said from the start – doctors have some of the biggest egos in the world. I think it comes with the fact that they have suffered so much from the start, and having endured all that, they think they’re impenetrable. This kind of mindset downright sucks. I tend to look up to doctors who are big bosses yet value the importance of medical students, because, yes, we are actually the future of medicine. As much as we are useless and bothersome in our hospital rotations, we are actually future doctors.

There are still consultants who value medical students. I treasure them, and I admire their passion for teaching. I appreciate even the little bits of lecturing and oral questioning they give us in the middle of their work. Some medical students don’t like it, because they feel like they’re being pushed to their limits, but I like it. Medical school is not spoonfeeding. You’re expected to know the basics when you’re already rotating, and rotations are the time to appreciate what you crammed in your head for the first three years of medical school. We are at a period when we are not limited by classrooms and blackboards anymore.

It makes medicine a lot more fun. Even though it’s a lot more tiring to go on duty, it’s a lot more fulfilling. Medicine makes a lot more sense now that I am seeing what a real doctor’s life is like. It’s not all about books. A patient and his symptoms do not read books. It’s not just these things I have to learn, though. It’s how to keep the human heart soft despite the outside world beating it senseless.

TS

I love Taylor Swift. Yes, I’m a Swiftie. I don’t love all her music, but I think Red is my favorite album. When she released her newest single, I thought she was not inspired anymore. I thought she was just plain angry. It was not a song I was gonna want to listen to on my phone. I didn’t like her new song, but I definitely preferred it with the video. It made a lot more sense. Now, she’s just still funny. Even though she said the old Taylor was dead, it’s still Taylor.

I just don’t understand what is up with the rest of the world who make an effort to hate on her, those who take time to share thoughts about not liking her, when they could invest time in immersing in the things they prefer. I don’t think Taylor is perfect. I don’t wanna be like her. But I love that she puts her thoughts and frustrations into songs. I couldn’t do that. I spent years of my life being angry (if you browse through my posts from years ago, you’d know), but I wasn’t able to take all that energy and turn it into something beautiful… or profitable. It’s all a matter of preference. If you don’t like her or what she does, it takes a lot less energy to click the ‘x’ button. Even wasting time hating on her actually benefits her, because it’s what she thrives on. At the end of the day, it’s still Taylor who’s number 1 on iTunes, it’s still she who rakes in millions of dollars, because even her haters are talking about her. Traffic is good when it comes to media.

At the end of the day, she still wins. At the end of the day, haters still spent a few minutes or even hours of their lives trying to knock someone else down, when they could have uplifted someone or something they liked. At the end of the day, she was still able to use everything that was taken against her for her benefit. I think she won at that.