I ended up talking about K-dramas

How is it that almost everyone from high school is growing up to be fabulous, glamorous or doing something cool with their lives while I’m stuck here, still without a clue on how to pay my tuition for second year in medical school? I kinda hate Facebook for letting me know that, but at the same time, I guess that thought entered my head today because I was home the whole day and my stomach is still acting up. Not that I’m too upset about it, but I do believe it is up to me to get things right. I guess I should ignore Facebook for a while and take advantage of my rest days. Two months later, I’ll be like a work horse again.

I’ve been watching Fushigi Yuugi since the day started. I quite like this freedom, but I don’t want it to go on for the next two months. I just finished two Korean dramas since the vacation started, and I’ve watched some movies, too. I haven’t touched a book, though. Tsk, tsk. But I did take some screen shots of my favorite lines from the K-dramas I watched, this one from Secret Garden (2010).

New Picture

You’re right there, Yoon Seul. I think when you do truly love, it will always be a gamble. You can always choose to love, but you can also choose to stop loving. I guess this is only true when loving people, but with God, He will never run out of love for you.

The next one, though, is for romantic lovers out there. I used to be a hopeless romantic back then, but I think I’ve grown tired of it, or I’ve learned to control it, or I’ve learned to channel my energy to something more productive. Or it could be that I realized God’s love can never surpass any kind of love, or any kind of feeling the love of this world can bring me. But I do know what this girl is saying in My Love from Another Star. I could relate, which is why romantic love can sometimes be unhealthy.

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Ahh, I still do have this weird fascination for Korean dramas. They are just able to portray the ideal kind of romantic love I’d like to have some day, aside from having God in the center of our relationship… if I would ever be in such a relationship.

I am lip-singing to Taylor Swift’s music videos with a moth on my shoulder which won’t go away so I’m currently pretending it’s a parrot. I believe I’m good company alone. Ha-ha, the irony. And this is happening after I just turned down my friends’ invitation for me to go to the gym with them to work on our beach bodies. After I rejected, one of them told me I was a killjoy. But some days, the thing I’m looking forward to the most is lounging around or sleeping. Besides, I think I’m excused, as I have that red girl thing going on (anonymity has its perks).

I just finished a lecture series which was held by three neurologists from Harvard. ISN’T THAT THE COOLEST? So I guess my exhaustion is reasonable. I didn’t sleep through the whole thing, even though I didn’t get any sleep last night, and I’ve been suffering from LBM the whole week. I was just so fascinated at the fact that I was listening to a lecture by a Harvard professor. To be honest, I want to approach them and engage them in a conversation, but I didn’t know what to talk about, or I couldn’t come up with a question about neurology. I don’t think I have a neurological problem… or do I? What I do want to know is how do these guys chill? They do seem cool, not like your stereotyped nerds (although, of course, they have a high amount of nerdiness in them), but they were still cool, warm and even funny. I took selfies with all of them, and I’m quite proud of that.

So yes, I’m having a free weekend tomorrow, which I’m ecstatic about. This me-time is so important for me. I know I should get out more.

So it’s true

Hurting is a way of life. For some reason, life will have more horrible moments than excessively good ones. I usually have an easier time remembering the traumatizing events in my life than those which have me beyond happy. I don’t think I was even elated when I graduated from college. It seemed surreal and time was flying so fast, I didn’t have time to think. It was such a busy period. I guess the last time I was happy beyond belief was when they surprised me for my eighteenth birthday, which was almost four years ago… before dad’s cancer happened. Ironically, the next day was when they told me dad had cancer. I haven’t had any day like my birthday celebration ever since.

I’ve just been coming to some realizations lately, which I’ve been ignoring and denying for the past few weeks or months. I’m quite afraid I forgot what it was like to feel. I think I’ve unconsciously built a wall around my heart, but not my head. My head’s still free to think whatever it wants, but the worst it could do is make me feel like crap for a few hours, make me feel tired from feeling like crap, make me fall asleep from feeling tired… and wake up anew. Oh, and it makes me run to God, who is my ultimate source of strength.

So maybe, my mind is aligned most of the time, which also aligns my heart. And that doesn’t allow much room for emotion, which makes me believe I’m not so good with feeling anymore. I guess, since my heart’s been broken severely recently (by my dad’s death), I just flick away the tiny, pesky hurts life has been throwing me. I guess it’s a good thing.

I honestly felt like crap today. To cut the story short, my brother’s the rebellious, depressed one who hasn’t been going out of his room. He’s not going to a normal college (seriously, what kind of school does not hold classes?), he’s been drinking and smoking, he’s just basically been a parasite. Yesterday, I was led to think he hated me, because he asked me how much longer I had to stay at home, because I was hogging precious internet bandwidth. Whenever he does something which exceeds expectations, everyone around us acts as if he’s the greatest. Worse, to lift him up, they will bring me down, and they expect me to be okay with it, because I’m the normal, stronger one. As if I don’t get hurt at all.

Of course, I felt crappy. I was led to think people who are kinder generally don’t get anywhere in life. You don’t get anywhere unless you step on people. I’ve been working my butt off, helping in any way I can. I’m a med student, but I keep finding summer jobs. I’m the one who runs errands, and I do all types of housework (except cooking, I can’t seem to cook properly). Heck, I’m actually a boy around here. I drive them around, and I change the five gallons of water from the dispenser. You wouldn’t know how it would look like, but it would be a small-framed, five-foot-three girl carrying five gallons of water. I’m saying all these to justify myself, because I did feel very much like crap for being maltreated as if I were worthless. To be honest, I feel under-appreciated. Plus, mom doesn’t talk to me anymore. She’s very busy these days. When she does talk to me, she doesn’t listen properly, or she’s always on her phone. I keep reminding myself what she is doing is for us anyway, but most of the time, I feel alone. When my brother wants to talk to her, she’s all ears because he rarely talks to people.

I did have a bit of a realization: if you’re going to love, love all the way, and you would never regret it. My brother didn’t even look at me when I said hi to him when I was folding his clothes after I did his laundry, along with my mom’s and mine. When I was done with his, I placed his laundry in front of his room. I was tempted to fold it improperly for a small bit of revenge, but I remember what Jesus said:

Love for Enemies (Matthew 5:43-48) NIV

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

To my surprise, he talked to me at dinner and told me there’s fish in the other room (in other words, he talked to me like a decent person) and asked me what was going on. I felt quite happy. I know some bad things in life have a purpose, even though I won’t find out soon, or I may not even live to find out, but I absolutely love it when the results come immediately. Such small gesture and I felt all right already.

I circumcised today

Literally, I cut up some prepuces today. I cleaned penises, injected anesthesia, watched young boys cry, clamped foreskins, cut foreskins, sutured mucosa and skin and told them not to play with their things. It was kind of a last-minute thing, since I was deciding whether to go to the Harvard Clinical Neurology lecture series, or miss that and go to the circumcision medical mission. I chose the latter, but only the night before, so I reviewed a bit of my anatomy notes. I didn’t have time to organize how I felt about it. Maybe if I did, I would’ve been more scared.

So yes, I was thrown in a room full of young boys who were as nervous as I was. It went all right, though. At first, an upperclassman demonstrated it to us, and then my partner, who was also a first-timer, went first. We did alternate turns. Apparently, according to them, I was lucky, because the two patients I did for that day had retracted foreskins and ample-sized penises. It is quite more difficult to circumcise small penises with long foreskins. My partner encountered a patient like that, and he was actually quiet at first (basically, he was a good boy) but it was difficult to retract the prepuce and reveal the head. It took a long time and the anesthesia wore off, so imagine how he was feeling as my partner sutured his skin and mucosa. Insert shocked emoji here. Some of the boys were crying but you would know they were just being cowards, but this one was really hurting. I was so sad, I wanted to cry with him. L I wish I brought a prize for him. He seemed like a good kid.

So yes, I thought it was going to be nerve-wracking, but it wasn’t. At least, not at the level I expected it to be. I thought I was gonna faint (or at least, my head would get woozy) at the thought of me cutting up skin, but, no. I’d like to think I was underestimating myself. It’s always been one of my wild dreams to be a surgeon. Maybe this was a good sign.

Game of Thrones: Season 5, Episode 6

I just watched the newest episode of Game of Thrones, and I was grossed out beyond belief. So grossed out, I had to open the lights in the room after watching because my head was spinning. I think I need some water. *Gets water*

I thought I was the only one appalled beyond words, but when I Googled, nope. The world is with me. Rape has been a normal occurrence in the show. I thought this one won’t be any different. I thought people would say Sansa’s becoming the next Cersei, using the thing between her legs as a weapon, but I don’t think something as rape can ever leave anyone empowered. I might have to grab a can of oxygen while I’m at it. That’s one thing I’m quite horrified with when it comes to this show. I can tolerate violence to an extent, but as a woman, I’m not quite comfortable with watching rape scenes. It looks very much like horror movies to me. It literally haunts me and leaves me exhausted. To be honest, I’d much rather watch the censored versions they air on HBO, but we don’t have cable. Hmm.

What ever happened to my diet?

For the past few days, there’s been non-stop celebration. And don’t get me wrong – I’m thankful for that. But my health isn’t happy. For breakfast, I had cookie butter sandwiches. For lunch, I had Jollibee chicken and spaghetti. For merienda (afternoon snack), I had pizza and a smores-caramel cupcake. For dinner, I had chicken mami (noodles) and a huge slab of smores-chocolate cake.

I seem to have forgotten that I used to eat brown rice. It’s like a distant lover. Does it have to do with the fact that I currently decided to drift away from romantic love, and that I have no inspiration to be fit? That just sounds wrong.

I know I haven’t been blogging about that boy, and that’s because I don’t want to fantasize about him anymore. It’s just… not proper. I guess, God knows that, too. To cut it short, after his party (he just passed the bar exam), he posted a picture of him with his ex-girlfriend and a nice, long, sappy message to go with it. It felt weird because a lot of people around us are noticing there might be something going on between us. I don’t act on it, and I know I don’t show it that I might have a bit of interest in him. What’s stupid is that I had high expectations for that night. But I didn’t even say goodbye to him. And then came that picture.

And then the next day, which was a Sunday, mom told me she had been praying for it, if he was actually the one, because even she agreed that he actually has an interest in me (at least). She said God told her it wasn’t him. I believe her. We’ve been guided by messages from God through prayer for years now. I got even more upset, but I got over it after a few days. I told my mom I don’t think anyone could ever top my hugest heartbreak: dad’s death.

So yes. My love life has crash-landed into a zero, too. Of course, I couldn’t see my crush from school, since it’s the summer break. But I saw on Facebook that he went to a convention with this girl whom I believe has a huge thing for him, and they sat on the bus together. So, yes, that’s that.

That doesn’t mean I should trash my diet. No, I’m not dieting for guys, okay. It’s just that there are a lot of reasons to celebrate! That’s all. Plus, it’s that time of the month. So yes. My excuses are semi-valid.

It was not a good day for a beauty expo

Mostly because I don’t feel beautiful and well at the moment. How could I, when I was woken up, I didn’t have coffee, and it’s that time of the month? It was not a good day to go to a beauty and wellness expo, especially when I’m feeling crappy and bloated, and I was surrounded by people in five-inch heels and floor-length skirts with sky-high slits. No, no.

But I did it for my mom because it meant a lot to her. Plus, the technology of the brand is really commendable. I quite like it, even though they have a different approach when talking to doctors, because doctors might just think it’s quack. But I’m leaning more on the side that it’s not quack.

I went with my mom and grandma, and it’s not really good on my self-esteem the way I interacted with the people there. This is how it goes when mom introduces her mom (my grandma) to people:

Mom: Oh, here’s my mom.
Stranger: Oh! Hi, you’re so pretty! You look young for your age, blah blah blah
Mom, stranger and grandma talk for a while.
Mom: Have you met my daughter?
Stranger: Oh, hi.

Okay, fine.

There is a section on this book I just read addressing self-esteem. The book is called Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free. Basically, PMS is not an excuse to be a bitch. So even if my hormones are telling me to feel crappy, one tap from God, one silent prayer, is just enough to remind me that I’m beautiful in His eyes, and that’s all that matters.