I am terrified. Then the next moment, after fitting my newly made scrub suit, I’m excited. It feels just like when you try cliff-diving, that moment before you jump in. You won’t know how it will feel like to be up in the air, and you don’t know how hard the fall will be. You don’t know how you will accommodate to the waters, because you don’t trust it yet. Clerkship feels like that to me. Another metaphor is that it feels like entering a boss level of a game after finishing at least three levels, which are a whole lot easier. The first three levels feel like the first three years of med school, which you have already kind of mastered. This new boss level feels like something new you have to know about, and you have absolutely no idea how to kill it, so you end up wasting all your lives. But wait, you have F3… if you’re using an emulator.
I listened in to outgoing clerks giving endorsements to incoming ones, my batchmates. Endorsement is the term used when orienting new people into something, like giving instructions, what to do and what not to do, etc. They were talking about OB, and boy, was it intimidating. I’m not really looking forward to OB, especially because the people there are rumored to be, well, you know, not so pleasant.
But this is what I have to get over. I have to get over my fear, before it conquers me. I have to get over my fear, because it may hinder the learning process. And I should learn as much as I can during clerkship. I want to maximize it. I want to get the most out of it. But I can’t do that if I keep backing away because I’m scared. Come to think of it, I’m with my roommate for a lot of my rotations, and even though she does not really study, she’s very participative. I tend to be meek and I tend to like learning by myself… which is not really ideal. It’s something I have to get over with.
Voicing my thoughts and apprehensions like this keeps me sane. It keeps my thoughts organized. When things don’t get organized, I go crazy. The hospital can get crazy at times, which is why there are quite a lot of things I have to adjust to.
Then again, what makes me excited is the amount of things we will learn in a short span of time. So many new things I have to take in and absorb. I guess the key is to not lose heart for all of this, for the dream. I’ve always wanted to become a doctor. I just didn’t think it’d be this hard. I didn’t think it’d take a toll on all aspects of my health. It’s not at all those childhood moments when I played with toy stethoscopes. It’s not even just staying up all night to study. Nope. It’s a lot more than that. I hope to keep writing about it… if I don’t get exhausted enough. Duty does last for 36 hours. What they say is true.
So, again, help me God.