If in 2017, I learned to stop crying, in 2018, I shall learn to have the work-life balance.
Ever since I started rotating in the hospital and having 36-hour shifts, I just seemed to have quit on life. I always had the excuse to not do things I used to do, not to see old friends, and not to buy things I used to buy for myself and other people. I really am broke this year, which is why I was not able to give gifts to people, but I didn’t even try anymore – to save up or to get out to buy gifts. Or even just to write letters of appreciation.
I just simply quit on everything, and I felt like I had the perfect excuse to. It’s because there are a lot of times this year when I would get home from a 36-hour shift, head straight for the bed without having dinner, and ending up not taking a bath for 48 hours straight. According to our residents, it gets worse in residency, which is why I believe I have to figure out a sort of balance this year, before internship/ last year of medical school starts, and before I plan things out for residency.
I also have to decide where I want to do residency, because it means I have to start making arrangements. It’d be easier for me, logistically, to stay here, because I wouldn’t have to worry about things like airfare to the US, or paying for the USMLE, which is, for my standard, a ridiculously expensive exam to take. I always keep talking about the US because we were born there, and as I’ve said in my previous blog post, my brother’s about to settle there starting January 1, 2018. It’s just a thing about our future that’s been decided ever since I was born. I always had an unconscious mindset that the US is our future. That’s how my parents have always planned it. I don’t really have objections about it, unless my bank account says otherwise. Or unless my heart says otherwise. I don’t know, maybe I will meet someone special right before I leave for the US, and maybe he’ll stop me from leaving. Nah, just kidding.
So yes, work-life balance. I have to re-learn how to make better use of my time and energy, and I have to take time to keep special people in my life, especially if I still want them in my life. I don’t want them to drift away. I don’t want to be the type of person who is cynical and values work over everything. I don’t want to keep chasing my cell phone in the morning, worrying about whether I have a surgery to assist with the boss of the Department of Surgery.
Most importantly, I want to get back into the habit of taking time to appreciate and study the Bible. To be honest, it’s been a long time since I last prayed. Whenever I pray, I keep it real, because I know God already knows my inner thoughts, and He knows I don’t want to ask for things anymore, because, well, I don’t want to get my hopes up most of the time. If I’m gonna be my own villain and count the things life has put against me, it would include my dad’s death in 2014, my brother going away in a few days for good, and my mom actually having a pulmonary mass which we have yet to fully know about. But if I were to really rely on God, I wouldn’t be the boss of my life. Maybe it is okay to ask for things from God, but ultimately, I aim to trust Him in the end.
Another aspect of the work-life balance I have yet to start figuring out is the boyfriend part. It’s not something I deliberately pay attention to, and it’s not something I’m really worrying about right now. I always know, deep inside, that this is one of the things I completely leave up to God, because I seriously don’t know how to deal with it. Also because I want that aspect of my life to serve Him as well, and I know He knows what’s best for me.
Even so, I can’t help but consider things, or people, along the way, especially when your residents tell you they’ve overheard someone talking about you that way (you know what I mean) and that they insist they will find your secret admirer for you. It gives me fluffy feelings whenever I think about that, as well as when I think about the time when they actually announced to your whole group that you have a secret admirer, and now, people can’t stop reminding you about that, as well as asking you if you’ve found out the identity of the person. I find it weird, because I’m not usually the girl people find attractive the first time they meet, or see. I was described as the “girl next door.” I looked it up on Google and that was the only time I only fully understood what it meant, even though I’ve heard of the term before, as a previous fan of chick lit novels.
Most of the interesting things in my life still happen in my head, which is why I’m still wondering I can’t get the hang of writing again. Maybe that’s another thing I’m gonna try to reconcile this year. People have been throwing parties left and right (and the only one I attended was the one I was required to go), and, hearing drunk stories, I’m glad I decided to take a one-year break from alcohol. Was it natural for me to not have expected anything interesting for 2017 because of that? Nah, just kidding.